6.35am, she is not awake yet. Surprised by my little pumpkin’s recent early-rise punctuality has changed. I didn’t have a smooth sleep last night, few were disrupted by her nightmares. Funny enough, I wouldn’t be bothered as much prior to motherhood. Life has changed ever since. Her sleep dictates my sleep quality. Anyone would be annoyed, but I am not. Contrary, I am truly blessed!
My body clock has accustomed to changing circumstances. In the past, I wouldn’t see myself out of bed by 10am unless it’s a normal working day. Care-free life and didn’t have much obligation apart from my own well-being. It’s all about me, me, and me. Despite that, I was always feeling discontent. I felt that I haven’t done enough and wanted to do more. I was pushing myself to learn more and do more, even doing things I dislike.
Until two years ago, my life took a big turn with the birth of my little pumpkin. I suffered postpartum depression at the beginning failing to adjust to this new phase of life: having new addition to the family. Just to be clear, it was a planned pregnancy. My partner and I have been trying for four years. We were too busy trying to have a child that we overlooked parenthood obligations. We took the first year to explore and embrace challenges as they come. No expectation or whatever, reset and restart every day like brand new.
Unconsciously, time just flew by. I must admit I haven’t been reflecting much since becoming a mother. Living abroad especially now with family of my own is not a walk in the park. Lots of self-reliant problem solving, partner discussion, prioritisation, sacrifices, learning, and patience to get through difficult times. Help is in a distance, and sometimes it’s best for my partner and I to rectify problems on our own. Emotions rank last on my list. Complaints are a waste of time. Come to think of it, every problem is personal and there is just no point to rant.
Fast forward, little pumpkin is now two years plus. The frustrations I used to have seem to have moderated on its own. Have I got used to them, have I got rid of them, or have I changed my perspectives towards how I view life? I can now see why some experienced mommies shared that my motherhood journey can only get better.
Comparing then and now, my motherhood journey has certainly got better. It turned out little pumpkin has provided me priceless lessons all along, life experiences that only mother-daughter can understand. She enjoys this new world so much that her curiosity is constantly at optimum level. She asks innocent questions and does silly and surprising things while I spend time questioning why and how? In the end, I embraced the fact that she is absorbing so much from this complicated world and it’s only me who can explain how the system works.
Unconsciously, she brings countless pleasant surprises into my life. New words, phrases, and actions that literally melt my heart each time. Just as yesterday she saw my frustration, immediately she handed her bunny to me and said: “Mommy, calm down. Here’s my bunny for you.” Where on earth a two year old learned this phrase ‘calm down’? I was over the moon. Every gesture is precious.
I guess yes, my frustrations are still there but little pumpkin moderated them. Her pure kindness and thoughtfulness, genuine smile and laughter, and innocent gestures are her superpowers that erase my frustrations just like that. My patience is as strong as steel. I am able to weigh what’s worth the sweat and what’s not. Because life episodes move on so quickly that before any flames turn into fumes, I’m already on the next one, probably more exciting than the one before. “Hang on a minute, this too shall pass” and it did.
As I turned to my left in bed, there she is; my little pumpkin is still fast asleep like she deserves it. In bed, I catch myself smiling and thinking how blessed my life has been since she came along. Challenges will always be there. Just like any mother, the guilt of not doing enough will always be there. Having said that, unlike before when pushing myself did not lead to any satisfaction, my drive to provide and protect this family keeps me going and makes me very happy. I am feeling so blessed!
“You will be blessed the moment you realise you already are.”
— Bryant McGill
Photo by Sixteen Miles Out