When I moved to London four years ago, I took a step back in my career including a pay cut and a smaller role within my existing organisation just to get by. The idea was to dedicate my effort in settling into a new country, familiarising with new environment and culture, and learning new way of life. At 36 years old, it was not an easy bend compared to university days. One would have settled and accustomed to existing way of life. Getting rid of old habits, unlearning to learn new country laws, and constantly looking for synergies between old and new way of life just to find that sweet spot. Change is a simple word, but it carries heavy duty. Change is scary but inevitable. I wanted a change and I’ve got one, a tough one.
Some said I was lucky to flee just before the pandemic. However, one didn’t realise the struggles to adapt amidst pandemic period. Just like everyone, I was expected to confine within own space, limit outdoor activities, and drop travelling. Exploring country and culture were almost impossible for close to a year and the half, not to mention the idea of working abroad with no face to face integration. So, imagine if it was a bigger role – how can I be confident to deliver?
When I was pregnant with my firstborn, there was Covid protocol to follow on top of embracing motherhood. The hospital sent me home 3 times until they were ready to take me in for active labor. I recall walking up and down from third-storey flat just to get to the hospital and sitting in a warm bath tub at home for over 3 hours to endure dilation pain. Waters breaking is not a big deal. Over 30 hours of labor pain until contraction stopped is not a big deal after all.
Living in an expensive foreign country with limited support, connecting with new colleagues, embracing Western’s motherhood just like any locals, and adapting to post pandemic life all came at once. Migrating from a developing country to a big city like London, I was mentally and physically challenged. It felt like I went through metamorphosis in a blink of an eye.
Here I am. After four years of embracing challenges thrown at me, I am surely wiser. As a mother, I’ve learned to prioritise. I have more tolerance now as a wife. At work, I’ve accelerated baby steps to becoming a Head of Department, from a sole contributor towards leading a team of ten employees. It is hard to imagine “how I got here?” because I was first driven by instinct that I should be here. I spent so much time dreaming about what it can be and gradually turned these visuals into somewhat reality.
Change is scary. I am constantly haunted by the idea of “what if this move didn’t work out?” It feels like I am cursed to fail. Maybe because the stake is high that I am desperate to make it work regardless. Turning back is not an option. Instead of focusing on my fear, I relentlessly work my way through – Take a deep breath. One step at a time. Besides, we all don’t know what we don’t know what’s more about future prediction? It’s up to us to find out and shape how our future should be.
Photo by Håkon Grimstad