Fear of missing out.

Nine months away from the corporate world, something that I never thought would exist in my diary is happening today. It’s the fear of missing out that is playing on my mind.

Work is a part of life. It’s pointless to discuss about the symbiosis of ‘work to live or live to work.’ Evidently, the current work from home culture has blurred the line even further. At least for middle class people like me, I enjoy the idea of going to work as much as the perks earned for a living. It would be dreadful if I had to choose either or. Workplace is where the real world is, a place where we are submerged into a pool of strangers/talents and assessed how we’d come out of it. From home to schools to colleges, and to universities, workplace is where we put our social, knowledge, expertise, and skills learned to test.

A place where we can count on in challenging status quo and mostly ourselves, to learn and debate for the best outcome with others and to teach us accountability, it is a destination in quest for professional fulfilment, shaping our identity and finding sense of belonging.

Feeling lost at the beginning of maternity leave, I couldn’t get used to the idea of ‘housewife’s life‘ as I watch my husband goes to work, I question everyday: “Why it has to be women who take a step back? Why it has to come down to women in making life choices like this?” In particular…

“Why men can’t have equal maternity option as women so that both can share the life choice made together?”

Fear of missing out, I peep into my work phone, Linkedin, and colleagues’ updates on and off. FOMO indeed hit me. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy every bit of quality time with my little one. No one is indispensable. I get it, I can’t have everything. At the same time, I fear how much I’m losing out while being away from work for such a long time. Let alone motherhood can be lonely.

Despite maternity rights stipulated, one year out of business is still a long absence time. Missing professional social life and risking professional position, I’m also kissing any promotion opportunity goodbye. I mean, how can we expect employers to see us equally when technically we’re at home hustling with baby chores than being at work station contributing – even worse now with remote working, seeing us is close to impossible. How employer rates individual performance is still a big question mark.

Paranoid, it was just last week I attended a digital summit organised by my employer. A digital summit in which I should be one of the presenters. Instead, a maternity cover who temporary assumes my role a hundred percent represented me. My employer aired the digital summit to over 600 internal employees. On one hand, I am pleased to see how well my portfolio has progressed and taken care. On the other, I am envious of the missed opportunity. How much am I actually missing out? Would I get my job back eventually? If I do, can I do a better job than this?

I agree these should be my last concerns. I just couldn’t help it. One year being out of business, going back to work is going to be a bumpy ride. Juggling between motherhood and work is not going to be easy, as other mommy bloggers have confessed. Killing self-doubts and rebuilding trust and confidence will take time. Competition is just going to get tougher. Where do I stand?