It was 11:30pm on a Tuesday, and the house was finally quiet. My husband, the chef, was just winding down after a long day of menu development. In our kitchen, the chaos of the night was finally being put to bed. Meanwhile, in the living room, I was hunched over my laptop screen in the dark, drafting responses to keep up with piling work emails.
I was agonising over every syllable, sweating over whether my corporate stakeholders would think I was competent enough, fast enough, or accommodating enough. I was modifying my tone to sound pleasant, adding unnecessary ‘beating around the bush‘ lines so I wouldn’t seem difficult. Absurdly, I was actively volunteering for a project I didn’t have the capacity to handle, just to be diplomatic.
Looking back, it is hard to admit, but my desperation for approval was very much evident.
As working mothers, corporate professionals, and wives trying to keep work and home agendas running, many of us secretly carry this invisible mental load. We do not just want to do our jobs well. We want everyone to notice and validate us while we do it. The missed self-care sessions, the rushed morning routines, the cold cups of coffee; we crave for the reassurance that our sacrifices are all worth. But after years of navigating the exhausting second shift of school and nursery pick-ups, and managing a household while reporting to disorganised corporate leadership, I finally had a wake-up call.
People-pleasing is not a superpower. It is an exhausting shortcut that leaves your own resources entirely depleted, your family time compromised, and your personal boundaries shattered.
The Trap of Temporary Validation
In both the corporate boardroom and my life at home, I have realised there are two distinct routes to validation, and they are not equal:
- The fleeting applause: This is the temporary praise you receive when you bend over backward, say yes to an unrealistic deadline, or act as a human shield for a disorganised manager. It feels good for a second, like a corporate participation trophy. But this type of approval is fickle. The moment you say no, the applause stops. It does not sustain you during a corporate restructure, and it certainly will not earn you a real seat at the table.
- The earned respect: This is the hard-won credibility built in the trenches. It is navigating a budget crisis, standing your ground in a high-stakes meeting, and maintaining your humanity amidst chaos. It is not always met with instant applause or a pat on the back, but it builds a rock-solid foundation that no toxic environment can tear down.
When you constantly seek immediate external approval, you hand over the keys to your self-worth. You allow other people’s shifting moods and disorganised priorities to define whether you deserved a good day. Anything given to you by someone else’s whim can be taken away just as easily. But respect earned through your own boundaries, consistency, and expertise belongs to you forever.
Trading Fear for Firm Boundaries
When you are married to a chef, you get a front-row seat to a different kind of work ethic. In a kitchen, there is no time for performative politeness; it is about execution, respect, and clear communication. I realised I needed to bring that same raw authenticity to my corporate desk.
Breaking the cycle of needing constant approval requires thick skin and grit. For me, it meant overcoming the self-imposed fear of making a mistake or being perceived as not knowing enough. If you are currently trapped in a toxic work environment, dealing with gaslighting leadership, or struggling to find your voice, here is how I reclaimed my peace:
- Set hard boundaries (and stick to them): I defined exactly what I could realistically achieve during my contracted working hours. When 6:00pm hits, my laptop shuts. That is family time, nursery pickup time, and the transition into my second role of the day. No exceptions for non-emergencies.
- Focus on merit over office politics: I stopped playing performative office games. I stopped staying late just to be seen at my desk and I definitely stopped participating in What’s App casual work group chat just to sugar coat team work. Deliver high-quality output, document your strategy, communicate clearly, and let your results speak for themselves.
- Embrace the risk of the unknown: Stop waiting for a manager’s permission to feel ready for the next big step in your career. If a leadership style is dimming your light or questioning your competence to protect their own ego, take the leap. I would always rather live with a what-if than a should-have.
Your Worth is Already Approved
True leadership—whether you are managing a corporate team, navigating a high-pressure career, or running a household, they are built on character, a solid track record, and the courage to say no. We have to stop asking for permission to occupy our space. Your value does not decrease based on someone else’s inability to see your worth.
So, keep your head high, keep your morning coffee strong, and remember to protect your peace at the family dinner table. The right people will respect your boundaries, and the wrong ones will teach you how to strengthen them.
Over to you, readers! Have you ever caught yourself desperate for corporate approval at the expense of your own mental health or family time? How do you draw the line between being a team player and protecting your boundaries? Let’s chat in the comments below—I read and reply to every single one!